Being Nosy

Most would agree that special privilege, just because of who or what a person is, constitutes a bad thing. Getting to live a certain way, or be free of certain restrictions, for no reason other than you're in the majority is usually also thought of as wrong, or at least questionable. Many of the social changes in the world have stemmed from many people agreeing with these ideas.

So, if I said that many people (at least in the 'western world') live a very privileged life, one that they likely feel entitled to, and when confronted with this privilege will fight very aggressively to keep it, I imagine most would be very surprised. Now what if I also said that these same people may not even be aware they have this privilege, or what it is? How about if I said this privilege is so deeply ingrained in our society that I, someone that is directly aversely affected by this privilege, didn't fully see the scope of it until it was pointed out to me?

What follows is a list I borrowed (with permission) from a large alternative lifestyle community site. I imagine that the list will evolve there, but it serves it's function well enough in it's current form.

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For the purpose of this list, one's orientation on the spectrum of polyamorous vs. monogamous will be referred to as "romantic preference" because I couldn't think of anything better.


Monogamous Privilege Checklist:

1) If I am heterosexual, I can legally marry the person I love, with all the legal and financial benefits of marriage legally recognized for me and my family no matter where I live.

2) No one ever questions the validity of my love because of my romantic preference.

3) I can listen to the radio and find the language of my romantic preference represented in the lyrics.

4) My romantic preference is represented in television, movies, and books.

5) I can be pretty sure that my roommates, classmates, and coworkers will be comfortable with my romantic preference.

6) When I talk about my monogamy (such as in a joke or talking about my relationships), I will not be accused of pushing my romantic preference onto others.

7) I do not have to fear that if my family or friends find out about my romantic preference there will be economic, emotional, physical, or psychological consequences.

8) I am not accused of being abused, warped, immoral, or psychologically confused because of my romantic preference.

9) I can go home from most meetings, classes, and conversations without feeling excluded, fearful, attacked, isolated, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance, stereotyped or feared because of my romantic preference.

10) I am never asked to speak for everyone who is monogamous.

11) I can be sure that my classes will require curricular materials that testify to the existence of people with my romantic preference.

12) People don't ask why I made my choice of romantic preference.

13) People don't ask why I made my choice to be public about my romantic preference.

14) I do not have to fear revealing my romantic preference to friends or family. It's assumed.

15) I don't have to defend my monogamy.

16) I can easily find a religious community that will not exclude me for being monogamous.

17) I can count on finding a therapist or doctor willing to accept my romantic preference as valid.

18) I am guaranteed to find sex education literature for people with my romantic preference.

19) I am not identified by my romantic preference.

20) I can be sure that if I need legal or medical help my romantic preference will not work against me.

21) I am guaranteed to find people of my romantic preference represented in my workplace.

22) I can walk in public with my partner and not have people double-take or stare.

23) I can choose not to think politically about my romantic preference.

24) I can remain oblivious of the language and culture of other romantic preferences (i.e. polyamory, swinging, etc.) without feeling in my culture any penalty for such oblivion.

25) I'm not grouped because of my romantic preference.

26) My individual behavior does not reflect on people who identity as monogamous.

27) In everyday conversation, the language my friends and I use generally assumes my romantic preference. For example, "family" meaning monogamous relationships with kids.

28) People do not assume I am experienced in sex (or that I even have it!) merely because of my romantic preference.

29) Nobody calls me monogamous with maliciousness.

30) I am not asked to think about why I am monogamous.

31) I can be open about my romantic preference without worrying about my job.

32) My children are given texts and information at school that validates my family structure.

33) Society encourages me to marry and celebrates my commitment.

34) As a responsible and loving parent, I won't lose my children in a custody battle because of my romantic preference.

35) I can easily buy postcards, books, greeting cards, and magazines featuring relationships like mine.

36) I don't have to worry about being fired or denied housing because of my romantic preference.

37) I can be sure that if my spouse is in the hospital and incapacities, I can visit and will be consulted about any decisions that need to be made.

38) Insurance provided by my employer covers my spouse and my children.

39) Hand holding with my love is seen as acceptable and endearing.

40) I never need to change pronouns when describing the events of my life in order to protect my job, my family, or my friendships.

41) If I'm a teenager, I can enjoy dating, first loves, and all the social approval of learning to love appropriately.

42) If I'm called to work with children or to serve God (in most denominations), I don't have to violate my integrity and lie in order to keep my job.

43) As a responsible and loving adult, I can adopt children without lying about my romantic preference.

44) I can be certain that my children won't be harassed because of my romantic preference.

45) I can count on my community of friends, strangers, and institutions to celebrate my love and my family, mourn my losses, and support my relationships.

46) If my romantic relationship ends, no one blames my relationship structure.

47) I will never be imprisoned or physically harmed because of my romantic preference.

48) It is not assumed that I am more likely than average to have STIs based on my romantic preference.

49) I can be sure that the government will not suddenly remove my children to a foster home based on my romantic preference.

50) I am not assumed to be sexually indiscriminate based on my romantic preference.

51) I do not have to deal with the language and culture of my romantic preference being co-opted, redefined, and demonized by an unfriendly majority which controls the media.

52) I can run for political office without expecting that my romantic preference will disqualify me.

53) No one ever calls my romantic preference "creepy".

54) I do not have to explain my romantic preference to strangers whenever it comes up.

55) Major social networking websites such as Facebook allow me to set my relationship status according to my romantic preference.

56) Generally speaking, I can befriend people without them and/or their romantic partners assuming that I am trying to convert them to my romantic preference and/or steal them away.

57) No one assumes based on my romantic preference that anyone in my relationship/s is or has been coerced in any way.

58) No one assumes based on my romantic preference that my children are/were raised in an unstable environment.

59) No one assumes or speculates based on my romantic preference that my children experience or ever will experience emotional, psychological, social, or behavioral problems.

60) No one takes issue with their children being around me based on my romantic preference.

61) I can be pretty sure that my romantic partner will be invited to most parties, weddings, and other social events to which I am invited.

62) No one makes assumptions based on my romantic preference about my political views or religious beliefs.

63) No one calls my romantic preference by the wrong label, either inadvertently or willingly.

64) It is not generally understood that I am unfit to raise children because of my romantic preference.

65) People do not assume that I will switch romantic preferences as soon as I find the right person.

66) No one tries to convert me to their romantic preference.

67) People do not argue that my romantic preference is impractical, unstable, incompatible with commitment, or otherwise effectively impossible to realize. People do not argue that my romantic preference works better in theory than in practice.

68) People do not assume that my life must be overly-complicated because of my romantic preference.

69) Even if I am oblivious about other romantic preferences, my culture gives me the privilege of judging those preferences and being an authoritative source of relationship advice because I am monogamous. This is especially true if I am a therapist, researcher, media darling, or other authority figure.

70) I can go to relationship and dating events (i.e. singles events, relationship skills workshops) secure in the knowledge that my romantic preference will be the standard and will be catered to.

71) I do not have to make up words to describe my romantic preference to others, because the language describing my romantic preference already exists and is known across the culture.

72) No one ever ridicules or makes jokes about the terminology that people with my romantic preference commonly use to describe their relationship structures and familial connections.

73) I can date whomever I wish, regardless of whether or not they previously identified with my romantic orientation, without fear that my new partner will be shunned by their friends and family due to their choice to embark upon a relationship with someone of my romantic preference.

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While I do not currently live in a polyamorous relationship situation in the romantic sense I am in a mutually non-monogamous romantic relationship which could, at any time, find itself becoming poly as my girlfriend and I both quite firmly believe that love is not a finite resource. So the issues this list brings up are very real to me. Some even do affect her and myself as we can't always freely speak about other partners as openly as we might like without glazing over part of what makes that person important in our lives.

As some of you may know, I've been loosely involved in BDSM for a good chunk of my life to one degree or another. Loosely that is until recently. Life with my pet has taken me from casual involvement to 24/7 pretty quickly. Something I never thought I wanted until I found myself there.

As is a natural progression in being a part of any lifestyle, she and I have been seeking to connect with others who can relate to our thoughts and desires. People we can get advice from and share our experiences with. To that end we attended a munch for one of the local groups called T.I.E.D. (cute, eh?) last night. Interesting mix of people, most seem to have known each other for quite some time. Julia and I, in usual fashion, remained quiet most of the evening unless engaged directly. You'd think I'd grow out of being a "wallflower" but apparently it's just part of my charm. ;)

We are likely attending a meeting for another local group tonight. Jump in with both feet and all that. Might be fun, will certainly be different.

So I went to Out in the Park yesterday, a local gay pride celebration. I've been before, though usually with my sister. I've never felt out of place there before, well before now.

This time I wasn't there with my sister, she was off visiting an ex-girlfriend. This time I was there with my girlfriend. Most of the time things were fine, we were with her daughter and her daughter's girlfriend, and my most awesome friend Stephanie.

As my girl and I were leaving, though, I could feel the thoughts of the people we passed. "Look at the stright couple hanging out with us." My girlfriend and I are both bi, so the feeling I was getting was certainly unwarranted. Later I asked her about it and she said she was getting the same feeling as I was.

I've finally reached a point where I've decided to be totally open with people about my sexuality and now because I've found joy in the company of a woman I'm made to feel out of place within my own community. It's bad enough dealing with people who should be supportive telling me that I'm really just gay and don't want to admit it, but now I'm not even acknowlaged as being a part of my own community.

I shouldn't have to wear a sign to be acknowlaged for who and what I am. With all the misunderstanding and misconceptions about the whole GLBT community from the outside, the last place I should be made to feel as though I have to prove myself is within it. Alas that is how I feel, how I've always felt.

I don't need the acceptance of others in order to feel good about who I am, but it would be nice to be supported from within the group of people who have been fighting to be accepted for the same reasons I am... I just want to be free to love who I love without being judged for it. Just like everyone else.

What we see, hear, feel, taste, smell... this is reality. Right? What is real, or real to us is what is presented to us, and how to perceive it. My view of reality is likely just ever so slightly different than everyone else's. Just as everyone's is different from each other. Our lives, and the lives of those we interact with, colour our view, change what is real to us.

Those that know me well know I'm big on truth. It's a long standing goal of mine to be as honest and upfront about who I am, and how I feel, as I can be with any given person when the situation allows. Most people can't handle 'the real me', which is why I don't show it to them. That, along with each person's life experiences, forms the idea of who I am to them. Most people have it very wrong.

A good friend of mine, very recently, advised me on why they think I have such trouble getting close to people... or more them close to me. She said I'm "too honest". She meant it as a compliment as she, like I, respect that kind of honesty. She also was right, though. When you present people with the whole truth of a situation they generally can't take it. Personal reality is a powerful thing. It's how we construct our lives. When that is shaken the foundation of how we see the world and ourselves is brought into question. Some people also seem to feel that level of honesty is expected in return, which also is an uncomfortable thing. The average person can't even be honest with themselves not to mention others.

The more I thought about this I realized something, despite how honest I am, there are large parts of me that I cover up. Things that really do shape the core of who I am, how I see the world, and the people in it. Things that I just don't share. By doing so I not only fail in my attempt to be open about myself but I also paint an inaccurate picture of myself to those that know me. Even worse, a few days back I caught myself covering up a part of myself not out of conscious thought, but totally out of impulse. I'd become so used to doing it that it had gone beyond choice and became a part of me. At that moment I knew I had to stop, take control of my life back from what ever it was I'm so afraid of. I don't even remember what that is anymore. Sure there are things about me that some people will not be comfortable with. There are even things that may cause a few people to not talk to me anymore, or new people I meet to decide not to in the first place. Outside of the possibility of some professional relationships that I might harm, people that aren't willing to accept me for who I am, 100% who I am, I don't need in my life.

If you've made it this far you likely fit into one of a few groups. 1) You are already my friend, as I define friend, and nothing I'm going to say beyond this point will be of any surprise to you. 2) We know each other rather well, but some of this you may not know, or may have only suspected. 3) We're acquaintances, follow each other on Twitter/Facebook but don't really know each other, or work together and much of this you didn't know. 4) Lastly you stumbled into this and can't find your way out.

Since you're still reading you're prepared to know the bits about me that you think maybe you don't. I prefix the following with this. I have never been of the "loud and proud" people about anything. I am not saying this to get attention, push it in anyone's face, or further any agenda. This is my personal expression of who I am, what makes me the person you know, and hopefully like. If upon reading what follows you question your relationship with me, what ever it is, then I ask you first question your view of your world, and what defines it in your eyes. If you liked me before, then you already liked what these things mean to me, and how they've shaped me. This is my life, who I am...

- I am Pagan. Those that know me in person probably already know this, or at least know I'm not Christian. I "came out of the broom closet" a long time ago. I've always felt that to hide my religious beliefs was to lend credence to the idea that they were some how wrong, or bad. Secrecy breads fear, and fear hate. For those that don't know better I don't worship Satan/The Devil/insert evil here. The devil as a tempter or trickster seeking to lead men down the path of ruin to 'steal their souls' is a construct of the Abrahamic religions more than any other. I DO perform magic, which to me is the same as praying is to others. If you really want to know what that means I'm happy to answer questions.

- I love my friends. Let me be clear on this. I use the term friend very exclusively. There are people I've known for years with whom I am very close to, who I do not think of as my friend. There are those I've known a very short time which I do. If I call you my friend that is functionally equivalent to me telling you that I love you. Further more I do not define levels of love. I don't not love someone 'like a brother' or use any such restrictions on my emotions. That does not mean I have romantic feelings for my friends, it just means that those I call friend all hold a very special place in my life, and I would do anything for them, give anything for them. If you are one of these people you know it, because I've told you. If you feel we are friends by your definition but notice I never use the term, now you know why. We probably are friends, by your definition, just not mine. Doesn't mean I don't care about you, just means I don't love you.

This last one is the one that I've kept the most quiet. I've been more vocal about it as of late, even so of all of those that will read this only about 1% of you will already know. That being said many of you will likely realize you were aware of it without knowing it once you read it. This is one thing I just didn't tell people. There's a part of me that even now feels that I shouldn't, but this is also the thing which I caught myself covering up as an automatic response.

- I am bisexual. I can be rejected by 100% of the worlds population. I'm not selfish, I'm not confused. I don't like men and women, and don't feel I'm entitled to be with both. I simply don't have a preference to the sex of those I would be with intimately. I do have a bias toward woman, I just get along with them better, and bond more easily with them emotionally. Most of my friends are, and always have been women. From a purely sexual stand point, to be honest, I prefer men. For day to day life it all balances out, and it's approximately equal most of the time. In my experience, and of those of the other bisexual people I know with whom I've had this conversation, we are the least understood of the GLBT (Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgendered) group. We stick out, because we break the rules. Also in my experience we're more understood by heterosexuals than homosexuals. That isn't saying much, but it's the way things seem to be. It's been said that homosexuals "don't trust us". We also are accused of feeding to the idea that homosexuals chose to be so because we 'choose'. I can no more choose who I am attracted to than anyone else. I just have a much larger pool of people I can meet, get to know, develop a crush on, then find out they're seeing someone else, or have them tell me I'm a "great guy and a good friend". I love, I feel, not differently than anyone else; have the same issues with love and relationships. Yet am made to feel out of place because of my lack of defining preference. I admit that I personally have had very little experience with this feeling directly, but I have watched my friends experience it, and as it affected them so it did me as I knew had I been open I would have received the same treatment. I realize now that I've been doing the same in this part of my life that I didn't want to do in the religious part. It doesn't mean I'm going to put a rainbow sticker on my car... though I don't rule that out. It does mean that when situations come up where I could comment honestly, I will... and it means when people unknowingly insult me, I will let them know they have.

There are, of course, a lot of little things about me that I don't always share, some of them aren't so little, but they have no place in a public forum. For that reason, and because part of the joy of making friends is getting to know new things about people, I will leave much behind the closed doors where they sit... but if you've come this far, and still want to know me, the real me, I welcome you to get to know me better. There are those who would say it's worth the time spent. Those people are MY friends. :D

Not sure what brought it on, but Friday night I had a really weird dream. Mostly it was one of those where time is distorted, and things that just shouldn't happen seem as though they're totally normal. I wouldn't think anything of it except that the focus of the dream was someone that I haven't seen, and hardly even thought about since high school.

Most of the interaction with her made sense even though little else did. Most, that is, except how she kept insisting that things I had told her about myself when we knew each other in high school weren't true. The things she said I'd told her were really odd. Such as she said I'd told her I lived in an apartment, which I certainly wouldn't have, as I didn't. Other things equally as weird. She said that if we were going to be together we had to start being honest with each other.

No frigging clue. If anything the reality would have been her not being honest with me. Back in high school she transferred in around the beginning of my Sophomore year, and as would be normal for someone coming into a school full of people that don't know each other, she was pretty well left on her own. I wasn't exactly the welcoming committee, but I did my best to try to make her feel less alone. For a few months we actually talked regularly, and she seemed to enjoy my company. Then she ended up making friends with a few of the (shall we call them) snobs, and promptly stopped talking to me, and a few of the other people that had tried to be her friend. It hurt, not so much that she acted like she didn't know me anymore as high school is a shark pit and you have to build your allegiances with whom ever you think is the biggest shark, no what hurt was that she would never admit to me what was going on. Just did her best to look right past me for the rest of the three years.

Usually I'd say she was just a fill in for what ever my sub conscious thinks I'm not being honest about, but the direct interactions with her in the dream, the weird conversations aside, had the same feel to them as the dreams I have which eventually end up coming true.

Guess it is what it is, and will be what it will be... just strange.

It's been a few days since I got back from Richmond, VA. Still have TMBG songs stuck in my head, though a little Massive Attack and some Oingo Boingo have popped up, so I think the affects of the concert are wearing off. I may be 'normal' soon.

After I checked out the hotel I made my way to Short Pump, VA and to the mall there. Nice two story open air place. There was still a lingering dampness in the air from the rain the night before, the air was cool, but not cold. Was a nice afternoon. Hit up a Coldstone Creamery, and enjoyed a little sweet cream. I don't do fancy for ice cream, simple makes me happy.

After I left I started thinking about something a friend said to me. I've been dealing with a fair amount of neck pain lately. More than usual. Mostly the hazards of being a tall man in a 'normal' man's world. Well I've been lamenting the lack of anyone to rub my neck or shoulders... of course it's not like people ever really have done that for me with any regularity. Makes me wonder why I did it for others for so long with no reciprocation. Well I was sitting in my car in the parking lot of the mall and decided on a whim to run the word massage through google on my phone and see if there's anything close by.

I have never had a professional massage before, or one at all in a very long time. I've been on a 'go with it' thing for a while, seeing where the world takes me when I just let it all happen... well after a few dead ends I found a place a few minutes away with a very low first time customer rate, and an opening in a few hours. So I arrange for that, and then take a little drive. Found my way to the local cemetery, because that's where I end up when I don't know where I'm going. Totally not intentional, but it never is.

So I spend some time walking the grounds, took a few pictures. Lovely place, calm. Never have been sure why I end up at burial sites when I go wandering, I think if I should ever understand that I'll know far more about the me I'm told I don't see.

Making my way back to keep my appointment it sinks in that for the first time in two years someone will touch me intentionally. Sure I've had a few hugs and such over the years, but I'm talking about direct skin to skin. Further more it will be more than just my hands... the majority of my body. I shake it off, and try to not think about how after two years the first person to touch me will be a total stranger; someone I'll likely never see again. Head in, fill out some 'new customer' questionnaire, and meet the person who'll be in charge of how I feel for the next hour.

The whole thing went more or less how I expected it to. Was weird, but relaxing. Found it interesting that with only minor exceptions the motions she made were the same as those I've always used when massaging other people. Not sure what to make of it, if anything, just think it's interesting how I with no training came to using the same techniques as someone who does it for a living.

Still feel a little strange that the only person to intentionally touch my skin, touch my body, in the last two years was a total stranger. Otherwise it wasn't a bad experience. I may try to find some place locally that I can go to every so often. I try to keep my muscles happy, but most of what I know to do I can't do to myself as it just causes strain to other parts of me because of the way I have to contort myself to do it.

Other than that, nothing much to comment on at the moment. Something is coming, something important. Just not sure what it is yet.

Last night I attended the They Might Be Giants show in Richmond, VA. The first thing that comes to mind is wow!

Got in to town at 15:00, checked in, and as any one that knows me would expect, I setup my laptop and got to seeing what I'd missed in the two hours I was on the road. Well, o'kay I was keeping up with 'life' via my phone, but what ever.

Caught up with old friends for dinner, then made my way in and up to the stage, because that's just how I roll, yo! ;) I don't see either of them often; it's always a trip back to my teenage years when I do.

The opening act was Jonathan Coulton, which alone was enough reason to make the trip up. Sure he didn't perform my two favorite songs (Code Monkey, and I'm Your Moon) but his performance of Mr. Fancy Pants was awesome. The set was way too short for my liking, but as an opening act it's about what I expected.

TMBG took the stage in grand fashion. Played for about 10 minutes or more before even talking to the crowd. Then a few more songs from various albums before getting to the meat of the event. It was a Flood show after all, and Flood is what we were there to hear, and hear it we did. Backwards. Well in reverse order that is. Great amount of energy, and the confetti, oh my gawd the confetti, I think I may still have some in my coat... perhaps even in my pants.

Wonderful show, best concert I've seen since the first time I saw Fighting Gravity play at the Virgina Beach oceanfront. Great time, really worth the trip. I should do this more often.

Spent this weekend braving the snowpocolypse (or snowpocalypse depending on which Twitter hash tag you were following) in Washington DC. Obviously I survived. YAY ME!

Why was I in DC? Well if you're reading this you prolly already know, but I was attending ShmooCon. I've tried many years in a row, but for one reason or another was never able to until now. Got ticket, transportation, and accommodations from the fine people of 757 Labs.

Left Thursday afternoon, and settled in late that evening. Nice ride up. The three people I went up with were split between two cars. Ethan and I in one, Matt and Erik in the other. I had packed my GMRS radios, so we had communications between cars. Ethan and I have very eclectic tastes in music; it was nice to make the ride up with someone whose music selection was varied and interesting.

Friday I ventured out into the early stages of the impending doom to make my way to the Pentagon City Apple store. Picked up a mophie juice pack air, so that my phone would actually last the con without having to spend all my time tethered to a wall. I had been to the Apple store at home, but they only had the thing in eye bleed red. Fortunately the folks in DC have some taste, and carried it in a number of colours, such as black. After that I hung out while the only entry in the Hacker Arcade was unpacked. I admit I didn't spend much time helping to set it up, but I had already spent a lot of time prepping the lasers for the install, so I was pretty fed up with it at that point. Besides, being my first con I was really in 'oooo shiny' mode. After registering I attended the opening remarks, then wandered around meeting people. Later that day I attended the talk on insecure webapps, and then the keynote on the flaw in TLS authentication. There was supposed to be a gathering at HacDC, but was preemptively canceled that morning because of the threat of flaky white death. That night, while chilling in the lobby, part of the glass ceiling at the hotel broke and it started snowing inside. That was cool... very... actually cold. It was pretty chilly the rest of the night.

Saturday I caught the second half of the talk on smartphone security. What does your data device say about you, and who is listening? Good stuff. Lots to think about. Especially since I want to get into iPhone app development., Then a very sobering talk on GSM security, or more accurately the lack there of. I knew it was broken, but ZOMFG I had no idea how broken. I took notes on that one, which I'll reference on elder-n00b.org later. After that was lunch. Didn't make it to the talk on UAVs on the cheap, but that's o'kay, 757 Labs has a UAV project which was back burnered a while back. There's talk of reactivating development on that, which I'll be happy to help with. Later was a "we're already doing it wrong" talk on cyborg infosec. How can we expect to build future bioelectrical enhancements when current pacemakers are programmable wireless over unencrypted links?

Later Saturday night I attended the podcasters meetup. Ran into Darren, Paul, and Shannon. Haven't seen them in quite a while, so that was cool. Went out with them for chinese food, then to the party at club Heaven & Hell. Don't ever let anyone tell you that geeks don't know how to party. That place was jumping. int80 of dualCORE performed, and really the whole night just rocked. I haven't danced that much in a LONG time. Danced with Shannon a few times; the only person in the place that would dance with me. Everyone else just didn't know what they were missing yo. *smirk* Walked back around 01:30 Sunday morning, and hung out at the hotel bar until 04:00. Chilled with int80 and the DC949 crew. Awesome people. Were great fun to party with. If I ever find myself in Orange County I will definitely look them up.

Sunday was pretty much getting packed up and escaping DC proper. I would have liked to have stayed for the closing, but the roads were just too much of a mess to risk it.

Had a hell of a time. Shmoo rocked my socks, nuff said.

Took a few pictures, which I'll get up on Flickr eventually. Right now it's well past my bedtime.

Snagged this off someone... I don't like to drop names, because picking them back up hurts my back. ;)

It's just one of those things I feel the need to do now and again. I like to think of it as life inventory that I'm going to share.

( Clicky... )

For the second time in the last few weeks I went to a theater to see a movie. This isn't something that I do very often. Generally speaking I prefer to wait for a DVD release, or even to be carried on one of the premium movie channels as I get them all for free as part of my employment with my cable provider.

I can't really say why I've been spending money on theater going as of late, but I learned something... or more remembered something that I think I lost sight of some time ago. Just because people don't seem to want to spend time with me doesn't mean I'm not worth spending time with.

Sure, I have a few people locally that on some level or another I think of as friend, and I see them occasionally, but all in all I spend most of my time in the company of me.

I saw Terminator Salvation tonight, I made a brief mostly non spoiler-ish comment about it on Facebook in response to an old friend from high school that said I would be disappointed. I might reiterate and expand on it here later, but that's for another time. Leaving the theater I went to the Cold Stone Creamery which is in the same complex, then sat outside in front of the fountain to enjoy the spoils of the war with the line there. As I made quick work of my waxed paper cup of plain sweet cream I realized that everyone else sitting around me on the other benches was with someone else. Usually that would have made me feel lonely, but this time something was different, something clicked. I wasn't any less happy than they were, I wasn't any less likable, or any less attractive. I wasn't in any way less at all.

It's been well over a year since I was part of a couple. In all that time I thought of myself as alone, when the truth of it is I'm still half of what made the nearly 10 year relationship that she and I had together worth having. Sure I miss her, as she was and still is my friend, but I'm still me more or less, and while I may not have 'the other half' of who 'we' were I still have all of who I am.

If that's not good enough for someone to want to spend time with me, then I'm not the one missing out.